graduation/getting old/existential crisis/quarter life crisis

I am having a stupid, awful existential crisis about graduation. And you know what? I make comments all the time about having an existential crisis – and I don’t even really know what that fucking means.

Anyway. In a homework-avoiding fit of restlessness and nostalgia, I was looking at some old shit on facebook and came across a list of ’25 Things About Me’ that I wrote in 2009. I feel like rehashing it to see what is different and what is the same. So here goes nothing.

1. Over the last seven months I have lost 40 lbs, thanks to will power and determination I didn’t know I had, and the Weight Watchers Program. – I kept the weight off for around two years – and now need to lose around 60 lbs to get down to my original Weight Watchers ‘goal weight’
2. I’ve realized recently that the only time I’ve ever felt like I fit in was my year at UAF. – The older I get, the more I think I ‘fit in’ or feel right in my skin, or something like that.
3. I am really, really tired a lot of the time. – Still true.
4. I prefer knitting and baking over most other activities. – Also still true.
5. Most of the time I get so nervous speaking up in class I just don’t do it, because I end up stuttering or screwing up my words. And my heart races. It is one of my least favorite personality traits that I possess. – Still semi-true. In the last six months or so my anxiety surrounding this has decreased greatly, but I attribute a lot of that to taking classes with a lot of the same people, so I am more comfortable around them.
6. I wear my hair and makeup the same way pretty much everyday. – Eh, again still semi-true. Been experimenting with makeup lately, and sort of with my hair. But, generally, always the same.
7. So far, I’m not doing so well with the younger siblings growing up thing. I’m pretty sure when I have my own kids I’ll have an aneurysm when they turn 18.  – Little brother turned 18 this past week, sisters are 23 now, and I am totally cool with it. 
8. I’m taking a Child Development class this semester, and it is one of the most fascinating classes I’ve ever taken. – I got a fucking NB grade in that class (which stands for No Basis, meaning the professor decided I didn’t do enough work for her to justify giving me a grade period) and I worked at a daycare for a year and a half and ended up hating it. Love kids, hated the job.
9. I’ve started writing this list like at least three times and stopped after number 5 or so. We’ll see if I can make it through this one. – I still get regularly distracted. But have stuck with this so far!
10. I’m 20 and I still sleep with a teddy bear. – I would probably still be sleeping with a teddy bear had I not LOST him in Anchorage a few years ago.
11. I love the smell of clean laundry over most other smells. – Still true. 
12. I LOVE wearing long sleeve shirts. – Also still true, but definitely have been branching out my clothes realm lately.
13. I have a large vocabulary, and I looooooooove it! – I *thought* I had a large vocabulary; I think I was wrong. Perhaps my vocabulary is slightly bigger than average, but definitely not large by any means.
14. I love being alone, but at the same time I get lonely really easily. It’s sort of a problem. – Still pretty true, although I spend a lot less time alone than I used to.
15. I used to say that music was what “kept me sane.” Now, I’m not so sure about that. – Uh, yeah, that was me being a lame teenager speaking.
16. I hate being away from my family, a lot. – Still decently true, although it’s been a while since I’ve been away from them for long periods.
17. I follow way too many TV Shows. – Definitely still true.
18. I have 12 piercings, they are all in my ears. – Again, still true.
19. I hate losing jewelry, but I always do it. – I have thankfully stopped losing jewelry, for the most part.
20. I think sometimes I act a lot more grown up than I feel. And vice versa. – Definitely still true. 
21. I think way, way too much. – Again, definitely still true.
22. I plan my outfits based on who I think I’ll see that day. – True, although I have started dressing more for myself rather than who I will see that day.
23. I really have very little desire to travel unless it is to visit someone. – Yup.
24. I’m really terrible at watching movies, because I’m always doing something else while watching them. – Eh, I think I have gotten better at this.
25. I love feeling like an important part of someone’s life. – Don’t we all? How was this an interesting fact about myself? 

resolutions update: reading

One of my 2014 goals is to read 12 books this year. I am happy to say I am already ahead on that goal. This for me has always been something I’ve wanted to do. When I was a kid (and well into my teens!) I was a voracious reader. Once I got sucked into the internet and started knitting, reading kind of dropped off my radar. I kept up with Harry Potter, but other than that was done reading completely. At some point I read the Twilight Series and the 50 Shades of Grey series, and I listened to The Omnivore’s Dilemma as an audio book. Other than that? Nothing. I did read for school, but nothing particularly interesting or captivating. I had been wanting to start reading again for a multitude of reasons, so I finally got it back into my priorities this winter.

I started out trying to read Ender’s Game, but just could not get into it for some reason (which is amusing because I read the whole series in middle school and LOVED them), so while Bret and I were in Alabama over Christmas we visited this amazing used book store called 2nd and Charles, (they also sell used/new CDs, DVDs, Blu-Rays, and records!) and I went a little crazy buying used books. Which of course, for me is like three or four books. But at that point I wasn’t reading at all, so it felt a little dangerous! 

Anyways, I started the year off with I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou. It was nice and short, I read it while we were traveling home and finished it the day after we got home. I enjoyed it but thought it was a little slow. I am not entirely sure what urged me to read this book, but I wanted to and I found a copy of it. I think it was a nice way for me to break back into the reading world.

After that I jumped into something a bit more substantial… I Know This Much is True by Wally Lamb. This is one of my mom’s all time favorites, and had been on my list for a while. I have read at least one of Wally Lamb’s other books (not that I remember it at all) and figured this one would be good. I read nearly 900 pages in about ten days. God, this book was amazing. I totally cried when it was over.

Next up was Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins. This was a recommendation that I got from a friend when I posted a Facebook status asking for book ideas! That was the day I joined Goodreads and my to-read list grew exponentially! Anyways, this one got bumped up on my list simply because I read some hysterical reviews of it on goodreads and so I knew I had to check it out. It was a bit slower for me because I started it right after the semester started and I had to read slower to comprehend it, which I enjoyed. It also is so quote-able! It was kinda weird, but I really enjoyed it.

Then, (yeah, really, I set my goal at 12 books and I am already through four!) I started on Divergent  by Veronica Roth. This one came up next on my list because the movie comes out in March and I wanted to read the book first! I totally have a soft spot for YA dystopian novels that include some romance. I tore through this book – it only took me about a week to read. I am definitely going to continue reading the series, although I’ve heard the rest are not as good as the first one.

I’m now reading the first book in the Call the Midwife series. I have watched the show, so it is interesting to see it in book form. 

good things february 18, 2014

  • I made lentil soup, that not only tasted like the stuff I ate constantly from the cafeteria when I worked at the hospital, but Bret even liked it. 
  • I wore a polka dot dress and was comfy in it all day.
  • It was above zero. 
  • THIS VIDEO

#reasonsforbliss

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Selfies! This has been a fun experiment – a selfie everyday for this month..This was the first week..I will be writing more about this later.

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Snuggling with the tiny girl, and reading a great book

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The insane amount of love this guy has been giving lately

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new sheets! 

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Curling my hair

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friends who can give me vixen eye makeup

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friends who are my drinking and dancing spirit guides – take me out, make sure i have a good time, and make sure i am safe and having fun!

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Last night two of my good friends from highschool took me out for drinks and dancing – something I’ve been really wanting to do. The night was perfect, I was able to relax and have fun, I felt safe and had a really awesome time. I am so thankful to have such great friends!

 

 

2014 goals

  • 12 books [this probably seems really simple and lame - but the amount I read these days is pretty pathetic. I've already gotten one done though. Read I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou while we were traveling home from Alabama]
  • Be active [3-4x a week, 30 minutes at least]
  • BLOG MORE! I couldn’t really come up with a way to measure this one – but I want to do monthly prompts. January’s is Januvanity (we can all thank Sarena for that one). Be prepared for a lot of selfies!
  • Adventure at least once a month from May – September. This means out of town, probably at least one night away, plus hiking or whatever. This breaks down into a sub-list of specific adventures I want this summer [I really need to get the Outdoors in the Interior book!]
    • Hike Mt Healy
    • Hike Donnelly Dome
    • Drive to the Arctic Circle
    • DIP-NETTING!
    • I should also probably conquer my fear of the canoe
  • Continue to not wear pants (and wear dresses and skirts instead)

Sunrise 12/9/2013 10:18 AM

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“It was beautiful, Mabel knew, but it was a beauty that ripped you open and scoured you clean so that you were left helpless and exposed, if you lived at all.” – The Snow Child by Eowyn Ivey

Boil over

I am at the library on campus, trying to finish up a semester long project I’ve been working on, but I cannot focus. I was telling Sarena about this phenomenon the other day, and she called it boil over, which is the most perfect way to describe what is going on in my head right now.

So, faithful blog readers, I am going to give you a couple lists and then hunker down and try and finish this project, because I want to go home and put on my pajamas and knit and read.

 

What I should be doing:

  • Working on my proposal (it is almost done! I really just need to edit it and write the last section)
  • Working on homework assignments (if I really want to get ahead of the game)

What I am doing instead:

  • Messing around with the layout of this blog
  • Writing this post
  • Thinking about books I want to read over Christmas break
  • Reading old emails
  • Wandering around on Spotify
  • Looking at Twitter repeatedly
  • Thinking about potential blog posts

…so on and so forth.

Okay, time to get busy. No more mediocrity!